He was coercively abusive for years; he did things in a way I couldn’t put my finger on but would just subtly make me feel bad. He didn’t hurt me often, but he was violent from the beginning, it was a push or a shove or an elbow or an argument – I knew in my soul this wasn’t right and that was my inner conflict from the beginning. I shouldn’t have stayed with someone who could treat me like that, even if he only did it once a year or once every two years. I had rules for myself, if anyone ever cheated on me or if anyone ever hit me, that would be it and he has done both of those things to me and I stayed at a detriment to myself.
We had been together for 19 years and I knew for a long time we were not in a great relationship, but we kept sticking together. We ended up always springing back together and traveling again. If I tried to leave him, he would make me feel guilty. Then we had two beautiful daughters; both happy accidents. When you are with someone for 19 years there is some bond, we were friends, we were co-parenting. We both wanted an adventure and we went to Ibiza then Costa Rica and ended up going to Hawaii. We decided to stay for a couple of years, whilst the children were little and I was happy home-schooling them.
This summer I came home for a month to see my mum with the girls, we had two family deaths early in the year and it has been a horrendous year of grief. I found a woman to rent a room in the house in Hawaii and during the month, my husband started to become distant. When I landed, I suspected he had been unfaithful and he left that day with the tenant who is now his girlfriend and then did a barrage of horrendous things to me.
He physically assaulted me, he filed for divorce and he trapped me and the children in Hawaii, he got us kicked out of our home, basically stripped everything from my life away. It’s like the tower of the tarot cards has fallen crashing around me when I was already weak; I wasn’t emotionally in a place to cope with this.
Divorce is just horrible, he is ripping our family apart – this isn’t how I would have done it at all; we had talked about separating before. I would have done it gently, energetically peeling each other apart and he has just taken a machete down the middle of us, arteries are spurting everywhere. I feel it is really damaging.
This situation has really shown me where my home is and what I really want, so whilst it’s petrifying in one way, it’s empowering in another way. I know I now need to step into my own power and heal my core issues and learn to love myself unconditionally. My friends have been amazing and have helped immensely, at times, I have felt angels have been talking to me through them.